Gym Ettiquette

OK, Ive been a gym rat for many years now and there are certain things that I just can’t stand and I hope people will stop, but they dont. The gym is really one of my favourite activities of all, so when people do the following it really pisses me off. So here’s a guide to what you definitely cannot do at the gym. Lets start with people who commit the most heinous gym crimes:

People who warrant capital punishment:

1- People who don’t  wear deodorant. Enough said.

2- People who wear too much cologne/perfume. Breathing is important while working out, and no one wants to choke in your cologne. We get it, you can afford Armani, no need to empty the bottle on yourself.

3- People who talk to people while they’re working out. Its not a bar, or a party, I’m not here to win friends, I’m here to pummel my body into submission under several hundred pounds of iron and I can’t do it with you asking stupid questions. If you don’t know, ask a trainer. Last time I checked, I’m not one.

4- People who wear inappropriate clothing. Guys, no short shorts. EVER. Regardless of how thick your legs are, this is a crime against humanity. Because any time you do leg presses or sit ups everyone can see your junk, and we really didnt want to. Also, no wife beaters. Unless youre a supermodel and have a physique that looks like God descended from the heavens just to sculpt your body from a block of wood, you shouldnt’ be wearing anything less than a t-shirt. And if you think its hot, it’s not. In fact, there’s nothing more attractive than a man who fills up his shirts naturally (and doesnt buy extra small clothes or wear wife beaters). Girls, no mini tank tops. Even if you have a killer stomach and it looks really hot, keep in mind that almost no body part looks hot when sweaty. So seeing your toned tummy covered in sweat is quite annoying. I know it’s hot at the gym, but a pure cotton t-shirt wont kill you. As a general rule of thumb: clothing for the gym should be cool, comfortable, and should keep you looking decent when you’re covered in sweat.

5- People who dance at the gym. Or talk excessively. This actually makes my blood boil. Some fucker just met his old buddy and decided to leave his towel on the bench/machine while catching up on all the beers they had. Either walk away and let someone else use the bench or shut up and get back to work. Its not your sofa, and unlike you, the rest of us are busy and have precious little time at the gym so we like to make the most of it. And dancing? I know youre listening to music and its probably upbeat, but I dont see a disco ball or dance floor anywhere. Take that shit outside.

6- People who move your towel and start working in. There’s no excuse for this. If there’s a towel there, its in use. Come back later. Don’t move my towel and change the settings and weights and work yourself in. I don’t know why people do this, its like they’ve never heard of going for a drink or doing super sets. Believe me, I’m not wasting time checking out girls or “hanging with ma buds”, I’m here to workout. Let me finish and you’ll get the machine/bench quickly enough.

People who commit less egregious gym crimes, but that still warrant serious punishment:

1- Girls who wear makeup at the gym. Even I know this, makeup clogs your pores and runs when you get sweaty. Either apply it sparingly the day youre going to the gym, or take it off. Because when it get smudged like that, you look like you just walked out of a homeless shelter and everyone feels sorry for you.

2- People who dont use towels at the gym. This is just common sense. Youre at the gym, you sweat, that sweat touches the bench/machine and other people then have to sit in it. Its the humane thing to do to cover the bench with your towel. No one wants your germs and I know you dont want theirs. So cover it up and no one gets hurt. And if youre one of those people that sweat a lot, thats ok, just wipe the bench down. That’s all I ask.

3- People who think the gym is a fashion show. Its not. I saw some punk the other day walking around in a fedora. A fucking fedora. Really? You’re sweaty, fat, wearing socks with shorts and a fedora at the gym. First off, that’s a serious fashion faux pas right there. Second, its the gym, is it really sunny in here that you need that? Is there a girl at the gym that will overlook your ridiculous appearance because you’re wearing a fedora? On this topic, people who wear wool winter hats at the gym should be beaten with the weights that they’re working out with. And they always wear them with a wife beater too. Either its cold inside, in which case wear a proper shirt, or its hot inside in which case take the hat off. Imbecile.

4- People who don’t respect your space. Ok, if you see someone doing lunges, don’t walk in front of them. If you see someone standing in front of a mirror working out, don’t come and stand in front of them. It’s that simple. I need a certain amount of space to work out, all I ask is that you respect it.

5- People who check themselves out in the mirrors. The mirrors are for monitoring your form. Only. Nothing else. Anyone caught doing anything else should be beaten with the weights they’re working out with.

6- People who talk/play games/check their facebook accounts/surf on their cell phones while at the gym. C’mon people. I have a Blackberry for work, which is always supposed to be attached to my hip and that I should be checking compulsively, but at the gym all of that stays in the locker. Do you know why? Because if you have the time to check your phone, you’re not working out hard enough. If you can remember to check your phone, you’re not working out hard enough. If you do check your phone, you are clearly not working out hard enough. So get out of the gym take care of your business, then come back when you’re serious about it. Amateurs.

Locker room crimes:

1- Walking around butt naked. I understand its a locker room and people are changing, but if you’re just naked and loitering you should be locked in a locker while a large Texan practices his swing. Either put some clothes on, a towel on, or get in the shower. No one wants to see your hairy back, saggy ass fat, or that pitiful excuse you call a penis. Put something on.

2- Checking out other people. This unfortunately is a crime all men commit, and ladies, on behalf of my entire gender I apologize. If you’re going to check someone out, do it DISCREETLY. If they know you’re doing it, it’s not discreet. Now I understand that sometimes a guy walks in with a killer physique and you’re just curious, so have a quick glance and move on. There’s no reason to stare.

If everyone followed these rules, the gym world would be a better place. If I missed any, let me know.

BrownManOfColour

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